Taking care of yourself in the sandwich years
By Lesley Waldron, Women’s Health Coach
The sandwich years refers to those years in which we can find ourselves caring for young families as well as elderly relatives. Being a carer for either age group can be intense but for those who find themselves dealing with both family roles at once it can be especially challenging.
And let’s face it, it tends to be women taking on the bulk of this work, and as they are generally in the 40-55 age bracket they are also managing the impact of the menopause transition and hormone change.
It’s certainly a life stage I have now entered into, my mother has Alzheimer’s disease, and my children were still in primary school when we first started seeking a diagnosis back in 2020.
The array of feelings that being in this situation presents is big.
Ranging from:
- Sadness at seeing your elderly loved one decline and in many cases even grieving the loss of the person they used to be.
- Overwhelm at trying to keep up with diary commitments of the young and old alike, not to mention your own life.
- Guilt over not always being able to fulfil tasks to the level you wish was possible.
- Resentment at how your time is taken by others without them being able to return the favour. Especially when the people you spend time caring for don’t always manage to acknowledge your efforts.
The challenges of the sandwich years can create high levels of stress, which can impact your perimenopause and menopause symptoms as well as make it harder to find time to look after your own needs well. It can roll over into your worklife as well.
How can we cope with the inevitable challenges?
Emotional support
- Allow yourself to feel those feelings and wherever possible find a friend or relative who can offer you support. A listening ear is an incredible tool to help us cope with big feelings. I have found it helpful to talk with friends who are also in the sandwich years, talking to someone who gets it provides a huge sense of relief, and often they have nuggets of wisdom to share too. Or a joke. Laughter is a great healer!
- Find communities of support, a carers group can be incredibly helpful source of information and solace. I found one via the memory cafe, but your social worker, or GP, or an organisation like CarersUK can help signpost.
- Therapy can be incredibly helpful. And carers can often access discounted or free services via their GP or charities. Your social worker can help you identify these opportunities.
Practical support
If the load is too big for you to bear then try to find some practical help, be it sharing tasks with family members or reaching out to professional organisations.
- This could be getting a cleaner (for you or your relative), contacting a care agency, or seeking support from volunteers from your loved ones church or other communities they are a part of.
- Writing a list of the tasks to be managed is useful, as it makes it easier to delegate and ask for help.
If you’re not sure where to start www.ageuk.org.uk is a great resource to look at and your local authority may have local support networks you can join. I’ve found a local memory cafe a great resource for both me and my mother.
Reduce your expectations
Superwoman mode is not sustainable long-term. It’s definitely not good for your health. You will need to put boundaries in place because you simply cannot do everything. Things like:
- Healthy meals for the family don’t need to be home-cooked every night.
- Your parent doesn’t deserve your attention 24-7
- Talking to your employers about your increased workload outside the home might help them put mitigations in place (more working from home, projects that can be co-managed with others).
- Kids don’t have to do all-the-things all-the-time.
- Asking for help and support isn’t failure, it’s progress.
- You can only do what you can, in the time available. Perfection simply isn’t possible.
Take care of yourself
The sandwich years are high-stress, and stress can increase the impact of perimenopause symptoms and can have a negative impact on our long term health. And if we want to support others well, we need to be in good health.
- If you’ve got any aches, pains or health concerns, don’t put off going to the doctor yourself, you need to be able to function well. Make that appointment. Go to your screenings – smear tests, mammograms etc.
- Make time for self care – whether it’s a fun night out with friends, going to your regular fitness class, or making sure you get to bed on time every night. Ask others to organise fun stuff for you, as you’ve already got too many decisions to make.
- Eat well and hydrate. Our bodies and brains need good fuel to support the stress. I started making my lunch alongside the kids packed lunches, just to make sure I ate a midday meal. And carried a water bottle everywhere with me.
- Journaling and cycle tracking – checking in with yourself regularly can help you identify when you need to increase your self care, and reduce your responsibility.
And my last piece of advice.
Don’t try and do it all at once. One small step at a time makes all the difference when it comes to looking after yourself well in high stress situations.
You are always worth looking after.
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About the author
Lesley Waldron is a women’s health coach on a mission to support and inspire women in their 40s and beyond to feel wildly well. To help them feel empowered and supported enough to prioritise their self care, to find joy in movement and embrace ageing.
She is trained as an Integrative Women’s Health Coach and NLP practitioner and supports her clients in the perimenopause transition with nutrition, mindset, movement and more. She runs body positive, feel-good outdoor fitness classes with a focus on working with peri to post menopausal women. She also works as a Master Coach for the Integrative Women’s Health Institute in the US, mentoring and supporting student health coaches on their journey to qualification and setting up their business.
Lesley’s work is influenced by nature and the outdoors and helping us tune into our natural cycles – as tools for self awareness and creating habits to support our wellbeing.
As a woman in the ‘sandwich years’ balancing supporting her children, and her elderly mother with Alzheimer’s she’s very familiar with the juggle of midlife but still makes her self care a big priority!